Who controls the finances and pays the bills in your marriage?

My wife, Laura, has been the one handling the bills as long as I can remember. Frankly, she’s better at it than me and doesn’t mind.

For years, we have both worked full-time. Finances were never a problem until we reached middle age. Then came college for our two kids and we struggled a bit with how we were going to pay for it all. We also decided at age 50 to build a new house and took on a new mortgage.

On top of all that, I began going into a shell socially, while my wife began expanding her social outings – including a growing number of girlfriend get-aways with her friends and sister.

“Can we afford this? How are we paying for all this?” I kept asking, but never really let on how troubling this all was to me. I also felt a bitter resentment because I was spending next to nothing on myself.

The bottom line is that when I entered my 50s, I was working long hours at the newspaper and had absolutely no idea where all the money I was making was going. I complained, but I didn’t let on how big of an issue it was becoming with me.

Talking to other middle age men about this, I realized there’s no one system that seems to work when it comes to handling finances and paying the bills. It depends on the couple. For many, it’s the wife who holds the checkbook.. For others, it’s the husband.

Some keep their finances completely separate and split the bill-paying responsibilities.

One thing is clear. It’s a variation of “The Golden Rule.”  He (or she) who makes the majority of gold or controls the spending of the gold, often gets to make the rules. It’s a power thing in any relationship. If respect isn’t shown to the other person’s wishes and desires – or if a consensus based on knowledge isn’t sought — problems will develop.

“I have a slush fund with about $23,000 in it that my wife doesn’t know about. I never have a problem spending money on myself,” said one guy, who said he managed all the finances and paid the bills in his marriage.

Another told me, “I told my wife that anytime she can go out and get a job that includes a six-figure salary, have at it – and I’ll stay home and watch the kids.” He added, though, that his wife kept getting mad at his constant vetoes concerning expensive vacations and get-aways.  She thought he was just cheap. He countered that she was “clueless” about where they stood financially.

Marriage counseling helped us sort things out. We came up with a system that works for our relationship.

We stopped pooling all our money in one account. We set up a separate checking account for me where money from my check is directly deposited each week.  For her needs, Laura continued to tap into our main checking or savings account.

In addition, Laura and I paid the bills together for a couple of months, and I got a sense of how the money was flowing outside of our household.

Laura also put together what she called our “Financial Bible,” which included a complete overview of our finances — saving and checking accounts (and passwords to check their status online), loans, retirement accounts, insurance and monthly bills.

On top of all that, the Bible included a complete summary of our debt, along with an itemized month of bill paying, giving specific averages for each payment.

Everything is in writing and transparent. Laura put it together with the idea that if she should somehow become incapacitated or die, I could easily pick up paying all the bills and not miss a beat.

And if I want to buy a new hunting rifle, or take a weekend off fishing with my buddies? No problem. I have my own checking account for things like that.

Laura continues to handle the bills and my resentment and skepticism has evaporated. I’m satisfied we’re on the right track with our finances. We’re looking ahead and planning together for the future.