Several guys have written me seeking additional advice on how to increase their circle of friends during middle age.
One of the things I’ve concluded when it comes to middle age — and I’ll continue to note on this blog — is that guys have to accept the reality that this time of life calls for several changes in their attitudes and behaviors.
Author and social researcher Gail Sheehy in her book, “New Passages” (Ballantine Books, 1995) concluded, among other things, that “the happiest men” in the age group of 45 to 55 shared one characteristic. They’ve changed gears from devoting the majority of their time and energy from “competing and sexual conquest” to “finding emotional intimacy, trust, and companionship and community with others.”
Bottom line: the guys who take the initiative to have good friends and stay socially connected are ultimately happier than those who don’t. Those who fail to do that run the risk of being socially lonely, depressed.
There’s no one, perfect formula on how to make and keep good friends. There’s lots of alternative realities out there when it comes to guys’ lives and how much time they can give apart from their jobs and families.
Giving of your time is important, but it’s not the most important factor. Real friendship starts when guys start opening up to each other and sharing joys, experiences and problems. And from there, acting on that information.
I read a book by Harvard Sociologist Robert Putnam, entitled “Bowling Alone,” which described friendship in terms of “social capital.”
Social capital is something that’s accumulated and spent. You accumulate social capital when you do someone a favor such as helping a guy tear down his deck, loaning him your truck so he can pick up something at the store or offering to watch his dog while he’s away.
You spend it when you ask for, and receive a favor in return. Or even better, when you receive something unexpected, such as sympathy or help when you or loved ones are in trouble or having difficulties.
Or if nothing else, it comes down to having someone outside of your immediate family to call, or to go out with for a beer when you’re down in the dumps.
You can’t put a dollar amount on this stuff. I don’t care who you are and how much money you make. We all need people like that. It adds untold value to your level of happiness, your quality of life.
I know of several guys who moved in at about the same time into Skaneateles (the Upstate New York community where I now live) and they helped each other build and/or refurbish each other’s houses. That exchange of social capital made them close, life-long friends.
They’re the kind of friends who, if your wife suddenly became hospitalized, they’d call or stop by and make sure you and kids were OK. They’d visit your wife in the hospital, have you over to dinner and help out in any way they could.
They’re the kind of friends, who if you lost your job, they’d be asking around, helping you to network and alerting you to job possibilities.
They’re the kind of friends who if you found yourself and your wife stranded at the local airport on a stormy Sunday night, they’d respond to your call and come pick you up.
How do you get these kind of friends?
Well, if you don’t have them now, it starts with a change of attitude. It starts by deciding that friends are necessary and that from now on you’re going to dedicate time and effort to make and keep them.
Most importantly, you just have to put yourself out there. Become a friend that a friend would like to have. That’s a good start and in time things should fall into place.
They did for me.
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