There’s a lot of middle age men who just don’t get it, or are in denial when it comes to a key component of being happy.

     I’m talking about the necessity of having close male friends and being socially connected.

     Let’s start with a simple question: “Who’s your best friend?”

     An appreciable number of married guys I’ve talked to the past few years responded quickly: “My wife” …and then struggled to come up with a male name when asked to name someone else.

      Sometimes old college roommates or childhood friends were noted, but often those individuals lived far away and the relationship was characterized by infrequent contact.

     “Yeah, but when we get together, we pick up immediately where we left off – even if it’s after a couple of years of not seeing each other,” these guys said.

       They’re fooling themselves. I know, because that’s what I used to say – particularly after I parachuted into Skaneateles at age 45 after working at several newspapers elsewhere.

       I focused extra hard on work, while doing my best to attend each and every one of my kids’ school activities.  Though I had many acquaintances, making and keeping a network of close male friends – any male friend – was completely off my radar screen. I convinced myself I didn’t have the time.

        Many women in the 40- to 65-year-old age group see the big picture. Check out the growing numbers of all-female book clubs, Thursday evenings out for drinks with the gals, daily walks or jogs with female buddies and the frequent “girlfriend getaways.” Many are holding down full-time jobs and actually handling the lion’s share of child-raising duties, but they see the need for female companionship and the value of balance in their lives apart from their husbands and boyfriends.

       I see it with my wife’s friends. They’re a great support system, an effective sounding board for dealing with life’s issues and problems. And yes, they have fun together.

       The business community, specifically the tourism sector, has latched on to this trend. Sit down to your computer and Google “girlfriend and getaways.”  I got 1.2 million possibilities when I did that recently.

       And the guys?

      “If everyone around me is happy, I’m happy,” seems to be the refrain with many. “I don’t need friends. I’m busy being the bread winner, worrying about retirement.”

       And worse yet, some are under the impression when they retire that: “I’ll just be spending more time with my wife.”

       Yeah, right. (I’m sure their wives would agree.)

       The literature (books, magazines) is full of stories and studies about the positive effects friends and being socially connected have on one’s mental and physical health. Also, there’s been a lot written on male mid-life crises, male depression – even the surprisingly high suicide rate among men during middle age.   

       Guys, here’s a test. Check the family calendar on your refrigerator. If you’re the way I used to be, all the kids’ activities and the wife’s book club and the next fall, all-girlfriend, kayak weekend are written down – and there’s nothing for you.

       I talked to John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” about the importance of middle age guys getting, and keeping their male friends close.

       “When men are younger they often don’t feel the need for strong male friendships as their work and their dreams fuel their fulfillment,” he said. “Anyone who helps along the way is seen as a friend, but the dream is bigger.

      “Around 50, we look back more than look ahead. Our dreams are now infused with 30 years of reality. Suddenly, the role of a friend becomes more significant.”

     One day, I realized I needed to stop whining, feeling sorry for myself.

      I formed a co-ed volleyball team that plays weekly during the winter months, a low stakes poker club ($5 buy-in) that meets monthly. I started scheduling an annual, weekend Adirondack camping/fishing trip each fall with a buddy. I also inspired and participate in a weekly, horseshoe-throwing group during the summer.

      Many women I’ve talked to say I’m “right on” about all this. Some have even asked me to get their husbands or boyfriends involved.

      They want their men to keep their smiles, their zest for life. They know that men who are happy with their lives and themselves make better fathers and husbands or boyfriends – and yes, better lovers.