My last column on a middle age man’s need to make time for male friends and being socially connected generated some interesting and emotional reactions from readers on this blog.

     Among them:

    “Figgy, sounds like you’re headed for a divorce,” emailed one of my old college buddies.

     Before I go any further, I have to state the obvious: There’s a lot of alternative universes out there.

     Some men enter their late 40s and 50s as empty nesters. Some are dealing with teenagers. Some have remarried and have another round of  young kids. Some are divorced. Some are reeling and scraping to pay the bills from being laid off, among other things.

     I don’t have any quick and ready answers, but I firmly believe for all men there’s a degree of balance that makes life happier, more complete. The formula varies, depending on your situation.

      Trouble starts when we put too much time and effort into one thing, while ignoring or putting too little time in other things that warrant attention.

       Examples I’ve seen from friends and acquaintances:

     – Guys who are work-aholics, giving little or no time to their families, friends or themselves. You know the type, work is everything. The only thing. (Not good, for many obvious reasons.)

     – Guys who dedicate themselves completely to their kids while ignoring their relationships with their wives and their own needs for personal happiness. (And when the kids leave? Fill in the blank.)

    – Guys like in Harry Chapin’s, “The Cats in Craddle,” who don’t make the effort to spend time with their kids. (Guys, you’ll never get those years back with your children. Call in poetic justice, but your kids will probably reciprocate by ignoring you when you get older.)

    – And finally, Guys who are selfish and egocentric, putting too much time into their own entertainment and pursuits (golf, fishing, hunting, etc.) and everything else (wife, kids) finishes a distance second or third. (Bottom line: Being married does not mean, “It’s all about me.”)

     Back when I turned 50 I realized I was not doing well with the “if everyone around me is happy, I’m happy” approach to life.

    So, I took it in my own hands to jump-start my social connections. I started a co-ed volleyball team; a once-a month men’s poker club, I started fishing more with friends. I starting talking about this to family members and friends, noting it was turning my life around and how I had a growing number of things planned. It really was making a difference.

     However, a Christmas-time conversation with my cousin’s husband, Ed, who’s a clinical psychologist, brought things around full circle.

     “It seems like you’re in a nuclear arms race with your wife to see who can spend the most time away from each other. That’s a recipe for divorce,” he said.

    I was stunned.

    I was feeling at times like I was being taken for granted by Laura, and here I was turning right around and doing the same.

     Around this time, Laura and I realized our marriage was having problems and decided to seek counseling.

     It was a good decision that helped recharge our marriage. We agreed upon a number of positive changes in our relationship.

    We became aware of negative conversation patterns, of the importance of really listening to each other and the need for me to participate in the planning of such activities as vacations, over-night get-aways and anniversaries. 

     Finally, when it came to activities with our respective male and female buddies, we agreed upon giving each other encouragement and financial leeway to pursue them, coupled with promises of honest feedback if things got out of hand.

    Last weekend I took off for a three-day fishing trip with the Johnson City Sportsmen’s Fishing Club up to Lower Saranac Lake in the Adirondacks.  It’s a trip I’ve been taking for a number of years.

     This year I caught a 35 ½ inch northern pike, my biggest freshwater fish ever. I came back mentally and spiritually recharged.

    The first two times I went on this trip, Laura sent in the deposit money – over my objections. I said I didn’t have the time because of work and it was too expensive.

     My wife knew better and saw how stressed I was at my newspaper editing job and insisted I needed a break. She knew best.

     What I’ve learned is that to make my marriage work, I have to be a caring, listening, giving man. My efforts have been rewarded with a caring, listening, giving wife.

    It’s a good balance.