The topic of social loneliness among middle age guys isn’t the only thing I’m going to address on this blog, but it’s a biggie.
I keep running into men who just don’t get it, or are in denial about the importance of having close male friends and being socially connected during this time of life.
Meanwhile, I’ve had others approach or write me, asking for advice.
I’m no Dear Abby or Ask Amy. I’m not a marriage counselor or a certified life coach.
I’m just your average middle age guy who jumped off the tracks before the train hit and made some much-needed changes in my life. Frankly, because of those changes, I’m now happy as hell with my marriage and my job.
Looking back, things started to go uphill when I got real honest with myself.
It may sound corny, but I came across this quote from the religious reformer Martin Luther, the monk who stood up against the Catholic Church.
He said: “You can’t do a thing about the flocks of birds circling over your head, but you can prevent them from building a nest in your hair.”
I shortened it and came up with the following: “It won’t happen unless I do it.” I put that sentence on a note card and to this day it’s on my bathroom mirror.
This idea that “I don’t have time for friends” is, in many cases, just not true.
I heard an interesting comment the other day on the radio while listening to a Christian broadcast station. Whether you’re religious or not, it’s food for thought. The pastor said:
“When you die, are your last words after looking back on your life going to be: “Man, I wish I had spent more time at the office?”
I hope not. If that’s the case, you’re one sad puppy.
While interviewing middle age guys for my book, I kept coming across men and their stories that fell into four distinct categories: guys who I identified with, guys who I had nothing in common with, guys I felt sorry as hell for — and guys who inspired me.
One guy in particular, a corrections officer at a local state prison, told me how he was resentful about his wife getting involved in all these outside activities an get-aways with her girlfriends. He said he spent his time while she was away watching TV and listening to music.
One day, following an argument over all this, the wife got in his face.
“It’s not my job to make you happy and to give you friends – that’s your job!” she said.
It was the slap in the back of the head that the guy needed. He has since joined a couple of golf leagues and is involved in other activities. Nobody came to him and asked him to join. He took the initiative. He’s now happier and he said it’s helped his marriage.
And that’s what I did.
While forming my low stakes poker club, for example, I approached men at holiday parties, on the sidelines of my kids’ soccer games, even at work.
Granted, it wasn’t easy. Some of the guys I approached turned out, much to my surprise, to be really lacking in the social graces. At times, I took it personally, but I kept going.
I finally secured a core of five guys. It’s been seven years since we formed and four of the five are still playing — and we have several subs who come and go.
The poker group meets once a month, on a Saturday evening. We rotate the games between each other’s houses. There’s a strict, $5 buy-in and loss limit, to ensure that money is not an issue.
We’ve also developed some traditions that involve the wives (Valentine’s Day outings and early September weekend get-aways to Lake George). Also, on the nights that we play, our wives often get together themselves and go out and do something.
Today, these guys are my true friends and I wouldn’t hesitate asking them for a favor and vice versa. Other social get-togethers between us and our wives also have also transpired, such as occasional, informal dinners.
The bottom line — and I can’t emphasize this enough — is that I got off my ass and did something about it.
Recent Comments